Fuck you life! hahahaha. I'm drunk and trying to get my life together all at the same time..don't even try to tell me that isn't fucked up! I've been unemployed for almost 3 weeks now and it really sucks. Don't get me wrong, I was lovin the time off there for awhile..being able to say fuck you to the world but it gets old after awhile. Now I'm alone...not lonely but alone and it's kinda depressing. I'm just trying to make it through one day at a time..one foot in front of the other. It's tiring. I want someone who can pick up my slack. Who wants to the carry the burden of this thing so called life..but so far no luck. I'm positive somebody will want to hire me someday some how but for now I'm going to get wasted and wallow in self pity. Went through a ton of stuff tonight..have tons to get rid of. My bed is covered in clothes...gonna sleep on the floor I think ahahaha. Watch out you rich bitchs, I'm coming for you!!

Back at the Ranch...

So much has happened since August. After quitting my job I remained unemployed for about a month til getting a job working for T-Mobile. It has been challenging but I am so glad that I made the decision that I did. I also enrolled in College which is probably the best choice I have made this far. A lot of new things happened all at once and has been very overwhelming at times. My boyfriend and I split. Interestingly enough we are still seeing each other but are not together. It's funny how life works out. We are so much better when we aren't together. We just spend time together without stressing about all the other crap. It's helps me to relax at any rate. I haven't the slightest idea what we are doing but I'm not going to jinx it..just enjoy it for what it is.
On another note, I have been procrastinating on homework. I have a paper due today that needs some serious work. So here is a mini update more later. :D

I QUIT!! TODAY IS MY LAST DAY!!!

Happy Thursday!

I have an interview scheduled for tomorrow at another dealership. I am hoping I get it for multiple reasons. Better pay, better company, better position. I would really like to be able to just get a new job and move on. It seems as though this is all I talk about. I can't help it. It's my biggest worry right now and considering I have to be at work for 8 hours everday it consumes me. It would be great if I went in tomorrow and they asked so when can you start? Uh, RIGHT NOW! I should give my two weeks notice however if I do get hired I am not going to think twice about leaving this company.
This weekend is the Pow Wow (Indian tribal meeting). I am taking my mom to the coast with me. I really think she needs some time away not to mention I haven't been to the coast in ages. Hopefully the weather is nice, I love walking on the beach but not when sand is blowing in my eyes. I'll take some pictures to put up!

Fa la la la la French Vanilla (oh yes the blandness of my life)

So the job hunt is not going extremely well. It's DEPRESSING! I have applied so many places I can't even remember where exactly. People keep contacting me and say something along the lines of "I'm calling you to discuss the receptionist job you applied for." I am thinking in my head Which one? I got a job lead today about possibly working at another dealership. I could make way more money but I'm not sure if this is the industry I want to stay in. But you know the saying Never look a Gift Horse in the Mouth! (I was trying to underline that and I haven't the slightest idea how. Can anyone help me with that?)

In other news: I started reading Eat, Pray, Love. I'm not sure what I think about the book. I kind of like the concept as a whole. Just go! Learn Italian (and really that would be awesome) spend some time getting to know yourself. Although that whole theory can be seriously overrated. Experiences and people help to develop character. I don't think I would want to know myself any more than I do. Can you say Complicated!? Anywho I'm starving and it's not even close to lunch time yet. Arg...Here's to hump day!

Oh My

Well the weekend started out extremely rough. I ended up getting in a huge fight with my dad and was not able to locate my mom. Extremely frustrating!!! But all's well that ends well. Finally found my mom after playing detective for a couple hours and driving all over town. And my dad apologized..good enough. Sunday turned out to be fantastic. I way slept in and then Dad and his gf and I piled in the car to go hiking. We walked the whole loop around McDowell creek. It was good to get out and get some exercise. We stopped at a winery on the way home as a "treat" for getting out and moving. It was the first time I had ever been wine tasting and I really enjoyed it. It was a laid back atmosphere and enjoyable company. We had a glass after the tasting and then I bought a bottle to take home. I shared some and drank the rest..hahah so typical of me. Anywho back at work today and am going to follow up on a job...fingers crossed that I get it!!! PLEASE!!

Same ole shit Different day

As if you don't know, I would like to reiterate my loathing for my job. I hate you job, I hope you die. I hope that I will come in next week and you will fire me.

On a brighter note, I think I am going to take a road trip this weekend. I need to get away have some fun. The boyfriend will be riding all weekend so it's only fitting that I go do something for myself as well!! woohoo soo excited! Come on weekend!

I need to wake up!

It was the boyfriend's birthday last night and I am exhausted! Too much to drink and not enough sleep. I just pray this day goes by fast so I can go home and get some sleep. I wish today was Friday but alas it is not..obviously. Got some coffee..it's not helping :D.

Oh and Happy Birthday to my best friend who turned 23 today! Love you Al!

All in a Day's Work (or not)

I HATE MY JOB!!!!! And because of the job I hate, I can't even post on FB how much I hate it and get a little sympathy from my fellow FBers!!!!!! I want to cry, I want to throw stuff. I want to walk out of here and never look back. I have applied everywhere and am getting nowhere. I am on my own. Noone to help me and I am stuck living a life I hate!!!! It's not anyone else's fault but my own that I am stuck here. And to top it all off I can't even do my job without people questioning me. They want to talk to my manager to make sure it's okay. Well you know what? THIS IS WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO! Fuck it if you don't trust me it's really fucking okay. Cause you know what I quite frankly don't give a flying fuck. Don't code it I really don't care. I want to get fired but that just wouldn't look good. How many of you are at a job you despise? What gets you through the day??

AHH!! WHAT am I THINKING!?!!

I loate my job..more than I used too. I am bored and unmotivated..when I leave I am bored and unmotivated. I have a phone interview today..and I am scared crapless. It's only a part-time position. I would be quitting my full-time job at which I have been three years to go work for a bank. I have no experience only hope that if I work my tail off I will shortly be moved to a full-time position. I don't even know how much money I will be making or even how many hours I will be getting. This sounds like the dumbest idea EVER but I need to get out of here. I am just hoping and praying that everything works out. That some way some how I will be okay and I will make enough money to pay my bills. I suppose it's better now than later. It's just me to take care of no kids or anything and if need be I will just find a roommate and hope for cheaper rent. It WILL work out I just gotta have faith. In what you may ask? I haven't the slightest cause I didn't ask God what He thought and we all know that having faith in ourselves is futile.

Ugh..wishing I was a Man!

Things of Note:

*My cold sore isn't going away.
*I have more girl problems than the whole world put together.
*I have no health insurance!
*It's HOT!
*My sandles look cute with my skirt but I already have a blister and the day isn't even half done.

Facial Issues

My face is irritated. My cold sore feels as if it's getting bigger by the second..my mouth isn't closing properly. I think I am drooling. My nose feels crusty and dry, arm pits are sweaty. How I pray for quick death right now!

Yes, I am being melodramatic...first days back are always hard...seriously praying for a tomorrow. This day is not how I would choose for my life to end. :D

Back At It

I had a super great time visting my BFF over the weekend. I had little appreciation for the cooler weather while I was there. I had been hoping for high temps and lots of sunshine. But that was not to be. It was sunny and the wind blew a cold chill over the town. Now back home I wish I was there. It's HOT here. I have spent more time in the sun this summer than the last five years combined. Now I am getting my FIRST EVER cold sore to show it. It is unsightly and hurts. I feel like I have a big booger or something on my lip.

Missing three days of work has resulted in a huge pile of crap to do. I am so ready to go home.

Things of Note:

*My unsightly cold sore

*The giganto spider I killed in my bedroom last night which is still on the floor. Vacuum?

*Piles of work on my desk.

*Blazing hot temp of 95 degrees today.

*The pool calling my name..even though I know tonight I should be doing yardwork to prepare for the upcoming bbq.

*I have at least 6 loads of laundry that need to be completed asap! (Do I even have laundry detergent?)

*Grocery shopping needs to be a priority.

*There isn't enough time in the day!

Sudden Death

Due to a recent occurrence that had nothing directly to do with me, I think that I should write a last will and testament/slash letter to my family in case I up and die. I am only 23 but it could happen. Brings a whole new meaning to "Here Today, Gone Tomorrow." Would that be presumptuous? Possibly but what if? Will they know how much I loved them? Is my life a testament to my beliefs? How do you all feel about death? Would you write one even if you weren't expecting to die anytime soon?

And no, I'm not suicidal.

I can't say my day off was a complete waste. I didn't get much accomplished but it was relaxing and I got to spend some quality time with the bf. However I can only take so much. I love having him around but cherish the silence when he leaves. On the flipside then I feel very alone and kind of bored. I really need to broaden my friend horizon. Apparently having guy friends is out of the question. I know, given my history, that having guy friends would appear in a negative light. But it's not always like that. In this particular case my intentions were purely innocent. Nobody can read my mind and everything comes off wrong and I feel as though I am being judged. It totally sucks. Then I have to deal with having a guilty conscience even though I didn't even do anything. I can see on the other side how I might feel if he wanted to hang out with a girl..checks and balances. Bummer dude.
One more day and then it's vaca time. We leave tonight and I am totally stoked. Hopefully I don't kill him over the weekend. He has seemed super hystrung and hyper lately. Like he's on something haaha. I know he isn't but seriously just be quiet. "I love you but if you talk about work one more time I swear I am going to duct tape your mouth shut. I need some peace!" It would be great if he could talk in calming tones without this know-it-all righteous attitude. That used to be something I liked about him. He knows pretty much a little about lots of stuff. I should be proud that he's so well rounded in knowledge but now I am thinking it's not so great. Calm down!! It doesn't matter, no one is arguing with you.. JUST PLEASE SHUT UP! Arg! I need to take a breather. I have eight hours of day left and just need to let it go...Why am I even letting it bother me? I can tune stuff out with the best of them. Selective hearing, anyone? Yeah that's what I thought. Good luck to me!
Have a great and safe 4th! Remember the troops who fight for our freedom!

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

When I was employed at my former position as a receptionist I worked Monday through Friday and had weekends off. I currently work finance at a bike dealership and have split days off. More often than not I dislike having split days off. This is primarily due to the fact that I can't have a life outside of work and not enough time to plan trips or actually do the "1st day off- bust ass & 2nd day off- RELAX" routine. I have to bust my buns everyday off because they aren't consecutive. This week has been a little different due to scheduling conflicts with the boss man. I am currently on my fourth working day (I know Cry Me a River, right?). I'm done! I've had it! I am so ready for this to be over. As of right now I am sitting at my desk typing this. I have no motivation to complete anything whatsoever. I have woken up late the last two days. Thank goodness I have tomorrow off because I might have had to call in claiming work suicide or something equally dramatic. So tomorrow off, work Saturday and then an extra long weekend.
YAY FOR VACA TIME!
Can't wait for 4th of July. My love and I are traveling down to Eastern Oregon for some very long overdue vaca/gf time. My best friend and I try to see each other once a month. I love her! Looking forward to cocktails, bbq, and fun in the sun! Three days of nothing to do but be a river bum! I am ecstatic!
Now if only this day could be over..I hear a cold beer calling my name...:)

Looking for a Way Out

That's what is happening here. I am looking for a way out. It has nothing to do with whether he is likeable or not. I don't want to, plain and simple. Because now that I have mentally made a decision I feel fine. I don't feel angry or mean or like a failing person. I feel calm and at ease with my decision. Relieved. Unfortunately some people don't understand all that. They want an explanation and of course the real one isn't flattering so you come with all these things so you can get out without hurting their feelings anymore than you have too. But in the end they are still confused and upset about the whole thing. I don't want to be in a relationship. I thought I did but I don't. I spent five months bed hopping and I didn't like that either. I just want "me" time and yes that may seem selfish. But isn't more selfish to drag it out? To pretend everything is fine? I don't like that. People move on or they don't. I imagine he will be fine.

If it isn't one thing

My grandpa was diagnosed with cancer when I was young. I grew up knowing that he was sick and slowly it became something like "she has blonde hair". He passed away three years ago shortly after Christmas. My uncle just had a brain tumor removed and then less than a week after was diagonsed with stage 4 lung cancer. Both were heavy smokers. I am a smoker. The pressure to quit is immense. I am not sure that I am ready to quit yet. Cancer is like teen pregnancy. I think people, including me think that "That will never happen to me." My dad recently quit smoking and that heightens the urgency even more.
In other news:
I am looking into going to school. I wish I hadn't taken five years off. I have a lot of catching up to do before I can even begin to look into the professional courses I need to take. Not to mention, the degree I want is only offered at a school three hours away from where I am currently located. I have a new boyfriend who is not keen on the idea of me attending school that far away. However, I finally feel as if I am getting into the swing of life. Exploring career options and taking charge of my life's direction. I don't know how it's all going to work out. I just hope it does. Onward and upward. I hate to say this because it sounds horribly selfish. But I am not going to put my life on hold for anyone again. I did that the last go around, waiting for the ex to make decisions he was never going to make. Or at least not the way I wanted him too. This relationship is complicated in different ways because CBF (current boyfriend) has children. And of course all the decisions he makes will be centered around them which is the way it should be. Who knows? I have at minimum two years of schooling here first before I even get to that bridge.